Mal: If anyone gets nosey, you know, just shoot 'em
Zoe: Shoot 'em?
Wash: Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everyone's makin' a fuss.
Mal to Shepherd: How come you're flyin' around with us Brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringin' religiosity to the fuzzy wuzzies or some such?
Wash: Oh no, we're all doomed! Who's flying this thing? Oh yeah, I am.
Zoe: Planet's comin' up a mite fast
Wash: That's just 'cuz I'm goin' down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, when that happens, let me know.
Kaylee: Yessir Cap'n Tightpants
Wash: Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross.
Mal: With a Swhat? (for those who don't know, that swhat would be a sword)
Wash: We should start dealing in those black market beagles.
...episode "Mrs. Reynolds"
Mal to Saffron: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
Shepherd: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk in the theater.
Mal: Jayne - go play with the rainstick.
Mal: But she was naked - and all articulate.
Kaylee: Bye now - have good sex.
Shepherd: You don't fix the Bible.
River: It's broken - it doesn't make sense.
Mal: It's my estimation that everyman there ever been a statue made of him was one kind of son of a bitch or another. It ain't about you Jayne - it's about what they need.
Jayne: Don't make no sense.
...episode "Out of Gas"
Mal: OK - I need that in captain dummy speak Kaylee.
Wash: So very sorry sir! I guess the news that we're all going to be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me a little snippy!
Mal to Saffron/Bridgette/Yolanda: I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
River to Jayne: Also - I can kill you with my brain.
...episode "The Message"
Simon: This may come as a shock, but I am actually not very good at talking to girls.
Zoe: Why - is there someone you are good at talking to?
Wash: Wow, that's grotesque - oh, and look, there's something in a jar.
Mal to Tracey: You wanna explain why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?
Mal: Attention crew - sit down and hang on to somethin'.
...episode "Heart of Gold"
Mal: This distress wouldn't happen to be taking place in someone's pants would it?
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.
Mal: Lady, you are my kind of stupid.
Kaylee: Cap'n seem funny to you at breakfast?
Wash: We all know I'm the funny one.
...final episode: Objects in Space"
Mal: We're deep in space - the corner of No and Where.
Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair.
Wash: I hope it's the soup thing, it's always a hoot and we don't all die from it.
Jayne: What - she killed 'em with mathematics. What else could it 'ave been?
Wash: Psychic? That sounds like something outta science fiction.
Zoe: We live on a spaceship dear.
Simon: Well - my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.