Friday, November 7, 2008

The story of our son

Cullen Riley Thompson 11-06-2002

It was a Monday night. We won’t ever forget that because my husband was watching football when it all started. If you have ever been pregnant, you know how it can affect your digestive system. Well, without going into too much detail, I was in the bathroom and something just did not feel right. I yelled out to my husband, who bolted right on in. Apparently my voice gave it all away. I have been told I am never allowed to sound like that again. I asked him to check me because I thought I felt something. Something like a wet balloon. Turns out, that is pretty much what it was. The cervix had opened up and the embryonic sac started its way down the birth canal. By the time my husband came it, it had already migrated back up somewhat, so he felt nothing. I called the doctor, but could not explain it very well at the time. Not an hour later we were on the way to the hospital – I just went with my gut that something was not right.


We were first told that it was early labor and that he was going to come soon. After some more ultrasounds, it was found that the cervix was in fact opening. But since the sac had retreated, there was a chance. This was 22 weeks and 2 days into the pregnancy. They pumped me full of antibiotics to stave off infection. The plan was to elevate my bottom half so gravity could help keep everything where it was supposed to be.
In the middle of the night, contractions had begun and we were told he would be coming soon. The emotional pain on top of the physical pain (he was partially in the canal this whole time) was too much. We were going to lose our little boy, Cullen.

Until that morning, when we were told there was still a chance. If he could stay inside for just another week or so, the odds of survival at this hospital were quite high for births beyond 23 weeks, when their lungs develop enough to be assisted. I was so happy, that I started to feel relief from the pain. Mind over matter is an amazing thing. We figured out how everything was going to work with me in the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. Until that afternoon.

After more tests and no luck with the antibiotics for Cullen, we were again told he was going to come soon and to prepare ourselves. How? You can’t. We were asked if we wanted extreme measures taken to try and preserve his life once he was born. We asked them what they would do if we were their wife or child. We decided to spare him that. The odds were that all it could possibly do was keep him with us artificially, and that is just selfish on our part. I did not want Cullen to be in pain his entire life. The pain I was feeling was unbearable. I finally consented to an epidural (needle in my back scare the begeebers out of me). We asked if there was anything we could do to move this process along. But because of pro-lifers, by the time we would go through all the paperwork and videos telling us all about abortion, it would most likely all be over. (yes, it would have been considered that even though he was already half way out and it was inevitable at that point) So for another half day we had to just lie there and wait – in the most pain I have ever felt, even with the epidural.

Wednesday morning, November 6, 2002, the water broke. In an instant it was all over. I don’t ever want to feel that kind of pain or cry that much ever again. And I hope you never have to. I held him for his entire hour and a half with us. And yes, he was alive at this point, but his lungs were not fully formed so breathing was not entirely effective. I do like knowing that for entire life, he was held and loved.

The nurses and staff were amazing throughout this entire thing. I stayed in the hospital for 3 more days. Grief counselors came in often. The nurses were always there for me, both for medical and emotion needs. We were given a memory box before I left. It was hand painted and filled with everything he touched. His hat, booties, blanket and ID tag. There was a memory ring, tiny sized, as well. They also gave us unprocessed photos of him to develop when we were ready. His record of birth, hand and feet prints were in there too. It took us a while to develop the pictures. And it was not until now that we shared the box with others. But it is time. I am still healing, and this has helped.

So for the entire month of his birthday, I will be donating 10% of my etsy sales to the Michigan Chapter of The March of Dimes. In hopes that someday, someone as young as Cullen could survive.

20 comments:

  1. Heart wrenching and beautifulled.

    Thank you for sharing Cullen with me.

    ~Lily

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  2. Now WHY you wanna make me cry on a Friday? I am most moved by your sharing and the angel you have with you now. I empathize with your pain.... I had an etopic pregnancy and though my child was never born....I still sometimes feel the missing of him/her and this amazing emotional connection areound the time of my due date. Life no matter how short is an amazing thing and I am so glad you got a chance to hold your angel!

    Love and peace to you and yours,
    Terronda....

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  3. Wow hon. thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. I'm crying as I sit here reading this! I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been. *HUGS*

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  4. What strength you have to share this story and your memory box with us. ((Love and hugs))

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  5. Happy Birthday to Cullen. I just broke my heart reading your story.Thank goodness you had that 1 1/2 to treasure with him. The treasury box is such a beautiful idea. So now as I sit here in tears, I recall my youngest son who arrived 2 mos. early. I was under anesthia so when I woke up they handed me 2 polaroid pictures and said this is your son. They had given him last rights, then rushed him to an neo-natal hospital. So here I am in one hospital and Ryan was in another, not knowing his fate. Well now at 23 he is my most active child.
    God works miracles, and the angels needed Cullen for something special!

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  6. You are very lucky to have had a compassionate hospital. They gave you memories to help you grieve and know that he was a real little person. God Bless the littlest angels.

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  7. Thank you for sharing such a difficult time in your life with us. I am incredibly moved by your story.

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  8. Oh my goodness, I had no idea how emotional your story would be, I have tears dripping on my keyboard. My heart goes out to you and I can only imagine the heartache you must feel for your loss of Cullen. I am greatful you had a bit of time to hold him, and he got to feel your loving arms before sweeping off into the arms of angels.

    Blessings to you and your family, and thank you for sharing your story.

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  9. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story about your littlest angel.

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  10. What a touching story. Thank you for sharing your heart-wrenching story. I love that you can speak about it openly...I especially love that he was in your arms the duration of his sweet little life. Thank you!
    -10oneworld

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  11. Thank you for sharing such an emotional story with us. It sounds like you were surrounded by the right people and how amazing the box is--thank you for letting us share that with you.

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  12. Oh boy, TiLT. You and your DH have been through something nobody wants to go though. That was very brave of you to share your experience with us - I feel honored. I, too, think it was best, all the way around. Bless you and your memories.

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  13. My heart goes out to you and your family. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  14. i'm speechless. i'm so sorry you & your husband had to go through something as heartbreaking as that. you are an incredibly strong & brave woman to tell this story. and how amazing you are for your donations to such a great cause. i admire you a lot.

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  15. Wow, my heart goes out to you and your husband. You're so brave, thank you for sharing. How beautiful that Cullen was held by his Mama for his entire life.

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  16. What a beautiful and heartwrenching story. No one should have to go through that and you are sweet to remember him by giving to the March of Dimes. Have a wonderful, profitable November.

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  17. When I began reading the post I thought," Oh you have a son with the same birthday as mine." and then the story became very different. I am a Neonatal nurse and I have been with many parents at this time of grief. It is so painful and you told it so well. Thanks

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  18. Thank you for sharing your son's story.

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  19. You're a brave woman -- it has to be hard to tell Cullen's story, but I'm glad you did, and I'm glad to have read his tale.

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  20. Thank you for having the courage to share Cullen with us. My heart hurts for you and your family -- many blessings on you all.

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Glad you stopped by and said hi